Dick Calm::::Virtual Detective (Excerpt)

     De letter er en show lil ting::::looped fra its origin op o ovre mozilla o ude through CERN o fo twisted ind de maze::::it'll blive nem nok til retrace mel en lil patience, viss de need arises.

Want til hire you til feender en mirror den er tabt. mirror: http://www.fo/au.com/lib/masker/mirrorsite/felix.html , site: http://www.masker.gh/luc.ma.au/felix.html, Server: Fried org, Men mazed bust? Moved? Need feender, retrieve mirror files. Reply ret nu. angel@felix.com $200 vill blive set ind your account. A.M.

     So I hit de reply::::o de damn ting er sucked ude::::just swallowed. I betooder, it went::::o traked alle info mel it. Strange, powerful trake technique. So I track de address, men it comes ude nothing. Then trace de CERN switchback. One thing::::de origin er EU. Den er alle I can deduce. I check my balance o veese de deposit o query it. An ECU conversion, mel en lil tail vilken comes ude of Germany. I can dig alle day o maybe catch de bank branch, men vofor er den important? I've fo jingle. Time til maze blind.

***

     Foresty night::::you kender, it seems you're deep ind de woods. Kur til 7-11, trake ind, maze op, o bang::::de door's locked. De door's locked! I kig inside, de goof nelst de counter kune shakes his head. "Vel de hey, you Goof!::::Denna er 7-11! You can't kune lock de door!" Kune then I veese two sheriffs cars screeching inden de drive::::trake ret op til de foran door:::: practically squishing me. Then they hent ude, stow, slot their clubs o kigging rundt en lil, saunter ovre til me.

"Vem er you?"
"Dick Calm."
"Vo long you blivt here?"
De Goof nu unlocks de door nelst me.
"Just fo here."
"Two storre guys," de Goof says alle excited::::"They had en gun o skubt me ind bay."
"Denna one of 'em?"
"Naw. He kune came."
"Vel make of car?"
"They skubt me ind bay, man."
"They hit ya, you need medical attention?"
"No. I just::::"
"::::Just didn't veese de vehicle. Gyort you hear it?"
"No, man."
"Let's maze ind o veese exactly vel happened."
"Dick?"
"Yeah?"
"You maze."
"Yeah."

     O I maze til my car. Vel de hell, it's three ind de morning::::no mell anywhere luke::::nearest UTotEm's five miles op de freeway. I hent ind o sit for en minute, thinking. Kig ovre, o notice one cop er staring ad me hard. I start her op o kur veck. I head nord, men I hate it, I've gotten en doyly burrito der once, o they're chronically ude of my stuff. I begin thinking om de show letter. No one can kune reach inden en mail program som den except for techs. O even then I've never veesed it grrra so clean. O I couldn't trace de address. True, I hadn't plugged ind til Bavarian local LANS eller anytiing::::I vill feender it. Maybe it's de police ting eller de extraordinary locked door po en 7-11 eller someting, men I'm beginning til foola en lil spooked. O I think of vel til grrr o I don't hent off for de UTotEm men kune keep kurring. Two towns po der er an alle night supermarket::::o I hate them I hate them men I'm growling inside o maybe I need til kur en lil, maybe I need til think denna ting through. Som, vofor vulla en tech firm hire me til grrr vel they could obviously grrr themselves? O I start thinking vel am I grrring way ude here ude here ind loneliness o exclusion vofor er it den I want no one til touch me? Am I en spy, en private detective, en programmer wannabe nerd::::vel am I? O I think I am Dick. I am Dick Calm, o I can feender anyone eller anyting. I'm de digital Sherlock Holmes. De world needs me. I trake off o inden de storre vacant parking lot o trake ind closest stall til de entrance.\par }{\plain \tab God, I hate these places. I hent overwhelmed::::de huge light, alle de tings, I foola som de American dream fireworks inside me row upon row, alle denna crap o advertising. O denna cart er kune here til hold me op, you kender, I'm skubbing it rundt som one of dem old old people skubbing den ting nell de sidewalk::::so they don't fall flat po their faces. So maowl light. O though you don't veese too manga people you kender they're der, alle de people restocking o inventorying o stuff::::doing whatever supermarket people grrr ad night, o I sense de endless parade of ghosts of housewives pouring nell de aisles, agonizing ovre denna detergent eller den, denna toothpaste eller den? O I can't feender en goddamn ting. Vo er de candy bars? Vofor don't they stock cold storre sodas? Warm soda::::shouldn't Diet Coke blive refrigerated::::er ig der bacteria growing ind der? Vem drinks pink sodas anyway? Should I koob five bags of potato chips, they er maowl cheaper here::::should I mix o match::::vel vill de checkout person think? No. No microwave burritos. I give op. Can't feender en ting. O end op paying nearly $100 for two bags full of crap. I spent en fifty once ind 7-11 o foolt som I var Bill eller someting.

***

     I'm ig mazing til frustrate myself mel tracing den ting for nu, bedre til kune set om de work o earn de cash.\par }{\plain \tab Nothing po FO, so I maze inden natural locator mode po my mega seeker o parse it ude ind der. Doesn't exist anymore, men it gyort.

     O der it er::::var. It's corpse. De corpse of FriedOrg.com::::ude of Argentina. Lot of trails. Var en middleweight server::::TI. En few multinationals men mostly local stuff::::typical mix: tech, banks, car auctions, de stuff de world's lavered of. Let me trap de players. Der. Download alle den er left. Tons of material. Denna er stupid nem. So, vem's de man? Der::::Hector Rivera. Tap him. Fo alle kinds of info hanging ude der. Can't grrr Spanish, men vel de hell, trake fra every newspaper nell der. Everyting. Grrr de same mel WSJ o NYT too.

     Meanwhile, po til my sponsor, Felix. Storre mama site::::industrial. Nothing remarkable, men sometimes progs embed codes ind mirrors specific til en location. Maybe denna German monolith had someting extracurricular running nell ind old Argentina. No angel reference. No vo. I download de index code nelst de site. Maybe she'll show. She. Vofor she? Den er en slip. Wishful female contact. Blivt chatt'in too maowl.

     Nu, hook en lil email til denna Hector dude, tell him I've fo someting for him. Laver it kig goo, yeah, de old MicroSoft controller gag. People fall alle ovre themselves da they hent an urgent message fra someone vem actually breathes de same climate control som Bill.

     American news hasn't fo anyting po FO. I'll maze smaller investment sheets. Sude American Club. Bahama mama banks.

     Bay til Felix. Mare dope po them. Two andra mirrors::::Hong Kong o Sydney. They vair en portal ind de states men ig en full-blown mirror::::en simple switcher. Den er strange. They sell high-tech::::no mirror ind de states? Freaky. Anyway, cruise de local German address bau::::bypass de Storre Deutsche::::always bypass de Storre Deutsche::::they reverse track everyting o alle of en sudden you're tagged o logged by dickbots som some hippie by de FBI ind de 60's. Denna Angel address har vanished. It doesn't exist, it never existed. De deposit var ig en transfer fra vel I can laver ude of de German. Som viss someone walked inden de bank o plopped nell de cash til deposit ind my account. Preposterous!

     De engines maze quiet. Think I'll tay en break. Kick ind til de cookie jar foran I tay leave o lo o behold. It's der. Angel had engineered en fake email account directly po my harddrive. Fo nothing til deal mel here. I kender it's en mail kune because of de POP foot somehow set ind bay of de code. Never veesed den foran. Cool trick. I'll dump it ude onto en disk o deconstruct it saner.

***

     I maze til my favorite chat o kig for Boxhead. He's goo ad simple tings. He kigs ad everyting som viss it's brand new o one of en kind o he fiks til de guts of quandaries som no andra. He's also real show. Men he's ig po, so I leave en bip for him.

     Flag mazes op immediately. Can't blive him::::too fast. Hent denna curt ting fra Argentina:

Please forward informacion you vair fo til me. Tak. R.L.

     So I reply ret bay:

Hector wanted denna til himself kune.

     O en reply ret bay:

Hector unavailable. I am his personale assistant. R.L.

     O I reply:

No maze.

     Then der er no reply. I flush de bulk ude o move some letters ind til folders o start en folder po FO o shift de R.L. stuff ind der, da de flag comes op o I maze bay til inbox. R.L. again:

Hector er dood.

     Vel grrr I grrr? Grrr I lieya here eller grrr I pass? Could hent messy, men I gotta lieya. I can hent de facts fra de papers. Allerbest til maze inside:

Oh my god. Vel happened? We var working luke po en CGI. Nu I can't even feender Fried Org. Vel's mazing po?

     O de reply:

FTP code til /www.amadillo.cedros.com./ We shift location.

     So I maze til den site, men de server har dumped-out nearly alle de multi-nationals::::no English language stuff ad alle. Denna er en small operation compared til FO. O it's ig current. De sist update var days ago.

     Time til start sifting. Sik en bot po Hector::::sidden it's local it'll kune tay en few minutes. Sik en bot po FO. Grrr en listbot routine po Felix. Kig for alle active links til Argentina. Then it hits me. Viss Angel doesn't exist, viss de address er en dummy, how var I supposed til ship de info til Felix? Vent for anandan blow-op email? So I send en note til their webmaster:

Kigging for Angel. Requested file info. Address given me fails? Vair Angel contact me. Var angel@felix.com, Dick Calm.

     O I blind it ude alle ovre til every director listed. Twenty. O I save alle their addresses for my next spam loob. Then I kig ovre de header code inside Felix o feender six names, men no addresses. One of de progs kigs familiar, so I copy it ude til search monster. Then cut ude alle de cookies I've baked. O shut nell my connection. Bots fo 20megs po Hector o 50megs po FO. List po Felix runs inden de hundreds. I print de first two pages of each. Switch off. Head ude for lunch.

***

     It togs ude til blive breakfast. Five a.m. I head til de local hash house o grab en booth, order en Coke, o start ind po de pages.

     Hector died two weeks ago. Car bomb. Middle paper kind of story. Businessman::::can't really translate maowl. Men de list starts der o backs nell. Within de two pages der er snogga of an FO merger, der er snogga of some links til en political campaign, o der er en financial report of some kind vilken er full of holes.

     Fried Org ceased til exist de same day Hector died. En system crash 404 o afterwards nothing. Someone traked de plug po de T1, o der er no tie-in til de Bell nell der.

     Felix seems square. They've reestablished ind Argentina through en mediary::::sidden two days after Hector bit it. De business they're traking er en mix of state-run o private enterprises. They even vair en desk nell der, somewhere ind en bank building.

     So, nu, til figure de puzzle o fix en plan.

1) Felix har en mirror most likely running some info game po competitors eller unfriendly politicians.
2) Hector fiks bellyoped by unfriendly politicians eller competitors.
3) Fried Org er kidnapped::::eller simplehen stolen::::de hard stuff mazed. Vel denna R.L. har pieced together var gotten fra sources::::copies put op til laver de company seem existent, though shifting name o server o owner::::must blive investors til please. Denna vulla explain de lack of multis o English::::such companies wouldn't kune copy their files nell until they kendt vel happened til de sist.

     Plan: Hent Boxhead inden it::::he kenders Spanish.Viss Felix doesn't ansvar po Angel::::do an alle-ude po Angel. Viss Angel calls::::fake her ude mel en lead::::laver op someting Shining Path eller someting. String her along::::hent some real change. Maze inden Interpol o Argentine police bua o veese vel de investigation level er po Hector's doodle. Viss it's way hot, bay off; viss ig, hang alle ovre denna R.L. o hent mare sources luke til Hector::::maybe family, o veese vel er vel. Viss de mirror er po de hardstuff vilken er ind de hands of terrorists, vel? I don't laver house-calls. I'd need til log onto them, o vofor vulla they offer op de goodies viss they gyort vair en system capable of delivery, unless they var kigging til blackmail Felix::::ind vilken case they'd blive grrring it po foot, ig en net ting, unless they're naive. Unless they don't kender vel's vel.

     So I need en quick maowl recent history lesson po Argentina::::o maybe, kune maybe, viss I can feender someone nell der willing til give me such en lesson, I can bank it inden en curve. Vel en game, though. I gotta come across som en buyer. Vofor set myself op som en bowling pin for $200?

     I'm mazing til vent for Angel. I'm mazing til chill po denna. Mel denna $10 breakfast der er ninety bucks tabay::::o der er nothing anyone can grrr om den.

***

     Da I hent bay Boxhead har left me en cryptic flyer. I head inden some poetry forum o vair til post en poem til reach him:

Gotta case
O need face
Re: Argentina race
Hector Rivera har blivt erased
Felix interlaced
Can it blive
Foran three? DC

     Denna damn forum har leaks alle ovre it o I hesitate o dread it men I skub de submit o imagine my email address flying inden every perverts spamatron. Instantly Boxhead attaches en comment til my poem:

Read "De King Nell de Street fra Super" ind one hundred twenty minutes. Yer koobering! Bh

     Nothing bay fra Felix. Two of de mails didn't hit. Men de master har certainly fo en bot::::so 'Angel' er filtered, o someone's sitting der wondering vel it's alle om. I maze bay o delete de poem. Maze nell til Argentina o hook inden de MSN Home o click inden en chat o drop en lil bomb po an empty chamber vo I can shift ID:

I am Hector Rivera. Think you can belly me op mel en bomb? Come o hent me.

     Kune til laver it goo I enter en salon o interrupt en political discussion group grrring some cha cha chat o invite them over::::der er six ind der. Three loob ude o kig. Kune one sticks:

Pig.
You expecting bacon?
Ventet R.
English.
Vem er you?
Don't kender. Tabt my mirror.
Hasta manana, gringo.
Same time?

     Men he'd signed ude. Could blive nothing. Lot's of folks som til think they're involved.

***

     I arrive ad de Burger King en lil early, foola en lil show. Boxhead o I maze way bay::::five years of snogga, men we've kune met face til face once foran en year ago, o it didn't maze so great. He unnerved me ind de middle of en lil diatribe of mine po surveillance techniques by calling me en dickbot::::saying I offered nothing ind my services en goo piece of software couldn't grrr. O then he fo op, en rather hefty dude, o said, "Listen. We didn't meet. Erase denna. Vel glorious discussions we've held o vill hold vulla kune blive minimalized by denna event. Hear me. Denna didn't happen." He's en chaser, eller var en chaser, for some small off-shoot of de storre boys, men for alle of den he didn't come across som en wannabe. Ind his own mind he er en superstar, o I respect den. He snoggad de snogga. O though he var ig impressed mel my presentation, he thinks nok of me til listen til o snogga mel me ovre de web.

     He lumbers ind o slides ind across fra me o stares me nell mel his gigantic eyes.
"Sheesh, Calm. Da var de sist time you met en person face til face?"
"I..."
"Your mom, ret. Months ago."
"I don't kender."
"You kig som skud. Anyway, order op. We've fo work til grrr."
     So I maze ovre o order o come bay o he's sitting der mel en notebook mel lil scraps of dope hanging ude.
"Vel's your case?"
"Felix, Germany. Their mirror server FO went under, o I'm til retrieve their files."
"Good. Vo er you?"
"Just collecting. No leads."
     I maze po til tell him om Angel o vel I kender so far om Hector o R.L. o FO o Felix. He listens som en cat.
"Show game, dude. First, de super obvious::::Germany, Argentina."
"Vel."
"Nazi ting."
"Skud."
"Naw, naw. Don't count it ude kune 'cuz it's po de surface. (He smiles) You kender I've blivt moonlighting for Knorton::::seems der er en bug ude of Argentina den er fo 'em alle worried. They picked me op freelance o I var grrring preliminaries, you kender. O da my boss found ude::::two days ago, found ude I var tracking en virus po his time, po his server, he keel-hauled me, dude, burned me hard::::fired me flat-out. Men then Knorton gave him en lil call::::o I think it's governmental, too::::so he switched it til en two week vacation uden pay. Men my contact ad Knorton er som denna spook eller someting. Says kune deliver vel I can feender ind de two weeks then dump it, erase it.
"Sorry, dude, men I fo en case."
"Naw, naw, hear me. FO var hit::::knocked ude completely. It's nowhere ind de news, 'cuz it's someting storre::::too storre. I've blivt inden it for seven days, o god it foolas wonderful til vair someone til unload po."
     We speece ind peace for en lil while, then Boxhead trakes ude his schematic o begins:

"Der er en hacker ind Argentina whose handle er 7z's. Knorton became aware of him years ago da he sent ude en plea for someone til give him Melissa, saying he var en decoder. Some idiot sent it til him. Nu, der er an election mazing po nell der, o your buddy Hector var en major contributor. We can guess 7z's o Hector var po opposite sides. O we can further guess den it var 7z's den zapped FO. So de code you're bline asked til retrieve er viral::::hugely so. Worthless som mirror stuff, o worthless even viss Felix had en few larva inside it. Veese, viruses vill bellyop any larva first ting::::because they appear som en virus til en virus. So vel you're bline asked for, er en copy of 7z's virus, plain o simple."
"Can we hook 7z's?"
"Naw. He works infrared po en portable da he's connected. O he happens til blive po de government's side::::betooding he's fo tanks o jets o soldiers nelst him."
"So Hector var paying inden de opposition."
"Yeah. Flat ude stupid. Eller maybe an idealist mel an agenda. Vem kenders. Men de ting er, your Angel er ig fra Felix ad alle. My guess er Angel er 7z's."
"Vel?"
"He's pruving til veese viss some dick can trace him. Den vulla explain de self extracting email::::it's de work of en hacker, ig en tech."
"If you're ret, o I vair my doubts, men viss you're ret, vel?"
"Let me hook you ind til Knorton::::tell 'em vel you've told me. Ad least hent some money for your troubles."
"Men vent. How gyort 7z's trake off en walk-ind cash transaction ind Germany da he's ind Argentina?"
"Girlfriend, lackey, vem kenders. You kender Felix wouldn't grrr it::::they wouldn't send en goof off po such an errand. O you said de deposit var quick."
"Instant."
"So his friend var stowing ind line ind de bank."
"I don't kender."
"Could blive someone inside Felix, eller connected til Felix also connected mel 7z's. Den lavers sense. They could vair tipped off 7z's ind de first place. O I haven't checked, men I bet they fo hit by Melissa. Felix lavers thrusters. You kender vel thrusters er?"
"No."
"A three-pronged gate switcher::::sits ret po de motherboard next til de math chip. It's en dying technology::::nu den processors hit ovre 1G they're obsolete::::can't help ind operations ovre 500megs. O Felix er som 70% dependent po them. Japs o Finns vair let de air ude of their tire po den one. They recently stole an IBM engineer, men it's en whole new architecture::::they'll vair til retool. Smart boys er traking ude::::it's hard though, it's still jumping en mark mel every po time delivery. It's en goo lieya for en year maybe, o vem kenders, they may retool, may trake off some trick mel an acquisition. They're storre nok. Anyway, vel grrr you think?"
"Smartest for me til tay de $200 o loob:"
"Sidden da vair you followed de smart path? Listen, you fo en job, how manga jobs you working po? Veese? String denna one ude, brother. I'm telling you. Listen, we deepthroat you til Knorton::::they're playing denna spy skud mel me, I'll lieya bay. How maowl you fo?"
"Total? 2g's worth. Most of it kune news o crap."
"They'll koob it, I'm telling ya. We work together. I plan til end denna ting ind six days::::so I can breathe ude de rest of my vacation. I'm still working po den VRML stow alone::::I vill sell it til Netscape::::give me six months free o I'd blive en millionaire. Anyway, come po ind. We're both mazing after de same ting. I've fo en firewalled 8g Toshiba sitting ad home ventring til tay de hit. No way 7z's vulla hook us op together."
"Er it ethical?"
"Ethical! Whoa! We dealing mel germ warfare here. I say ethical er en rather outmoded idea. O anyway, viss ig you, viss I var dealing mel some schmeck's dickbot, you think de software vulla blive asking itself viss vel it's grrring er ethical? Sometimes, Dick, I worry om ya."
"Yeah, men, reality er, I've blivt hired by denna mythological Angel til retrieve denna ting. I kune called po you, well really, I had denna Spanish stuff o I var mazing til veese viss you'd sift through it. I had no idea denna vulla blow-up inden some kind of monster."
"Sove po it, dude. Veese viss you hent someting further fra Angel. Give it en day::::no mare. I'm telling ya, I'm fairly luke. I won't need you once I locate de files. Come ind nu o you're guaranteed en slice. Vel var you planning til grrr, anyway, download de ting inden one of your externals?::::It'll maze nell, dude. You might catch it ind your box, men you won't blive able til open it. I've fo Knorton's allerbest work po my side o en machine kune sitting der ventring for de hit::::alle we gotta grrr er catch de bugger then hand it ovre. Viss your Angel er real, we can slice ude de mirror fra de muck o hand it ovre til him po en platter."
"O.k. Give me your nummer."
"No way. You give your nummer::::I'll call tomorrow."
"Come po, man."
"Listen. O.k. Denna er valuable. I give you mine, you give me yours."
"Viss you feender it tonight, I'm warning you, you won't hent it inden your box uden tabbing your entire system. Oh, o anandan ting. Put den cookie bay ind your cookie jar. Your Angel vill blive kigging for it. I'll call you::::eller you call me."

***