Once Upon a Time In the West
JEFF (The wild west. The facade
of a saloon and doctor s JEFF: Howdy, prospector. PROS: Howdy-do. JEFF: Are you heading down to the hotel to sleep, or are you heading toward the hills? PROS: Just slept at the Excelsior. Can't really say I slept at all, kind of drunk so much I couldn't sleep. you ever do that? JEFF: No. PROS: Never have before either. I'd only heard about such a thing happening. Well, I learned it can happen. JEFF: I guess you did. Where's your claim, old timer? PROS: Black Mountain. I've got a stream and an old Injun cave. I've got several ounce of flake from the stream in the last year and a half. JEFF: What about the Injun cave? PROS: It's too spooky to go into. I don't like poking my head in places like that. JEFF: Neither do I. But don't you think there's a good chance of there being veins in it? PROS: As good a chance as finding gold in a gold-filled tooth. At least I know if I ever need it, it's there. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it. (PROSPECTOR is now off-stage. ROMEO and JULIET SALLY carries a large man over her shoulder. JEFF drops his broom and helps carry the man off-stage. HOOT is now awake, he leans out of his chair and watches the struggle. All of a sudden a horse gallops across stage with the man lying across the saddle) HOOT: Whew boy! (SALLY and JEFF enter. JEFF resumes his sweepin SALLY stands in the street with her hands on her waist watching the horse) HOOT: You kill another one, Sally? SALLY: Get up out of that chair and come up to my room, and you'll die with a smile on, old man. (She exits into the saloon. HOOT slaps his knee) HOOT: Whew boy! (ROMEO grabs a pebble from the street, waits until no one is watching, and throws it up to tap on JULIET'S window. She opens her window) ROMEO: It was the lark, the hearld of the morn, No nightengale: look, love, what envious streaks Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east: Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops: I must be gone and live, or stay and die. JULIET: Um, that's not daylight, I know; It's a meteor, um, a torch bearer. Damn! Oh! Something, something, Mantua! Therefore stay, you don't have to go. ROMEO: Let me be taken, let me be put to death; I am content, so thou wilt have it so-- JULIET: --Oh it's the lark-- ROMEO: --Wait-- JULIET: --And it's out of tune! Um, sweet division: the lark and toad change eyes! Um, wait, oh damn. (She fumbles through a book) There ain't enough light to read! ROMEO: That doesn't matter. The play doesn't matter. What matters is that I really do love you. JULIET: You sweet boy. ROMEO: I'll take poison and kill myself, just like in the script. JULIET: I haven't read that far yet. I don't really understand what's taken place up to as far as I have read. ROMEO: But I love you. JULIET: You're supposed to say you love me. And I get a bigger tip when I tell you I love you back. But I don't love you, and you're out of tipping range right now. You have to be up here in bed with me, then I can tell you I love you, and you can leave me an extra dollar tip. (ROMEO starts toward the saloon door) Don't expect another freebie. It was fun, but if Molly finds out I gave it free, she'll have kinipchin fits. (ROMEO lowers his head and sits on the steps) ROMEO: Parting is such sweet sorrow. JULIET: I'm here anytime. I'm here for five dollars. And I'll tell you I love you for an extra dollar tip. (She closes her window) JEFF: Morning, Hoot. HOOT: Morning, Jeff. Huh, there was some mist in the air last night, I'm a little damp. It'll dry with the sun, I guess. When you got dew on you, part's going to sink in, and part's going to dry up; no reason to help it along one way of tuther. (The saloon doors open abruptly. INJUN is pushed out the doors and falls to the street, knocking into ROMEO on his way down. Five men, laughing, come out and stand on the boardwalk above INJUN. INJUN gets up and dusts himself off) MAN: Why don't ya go ressle ya a bar, Injun? INJUN: A bear? MAN: Ya, a bar. INJUN: Because the beast would invariably win the bout. (The men, disgusted, turn and go back into the saloon. INJUN walks off-stage. ROMEO approaches HOOT) ROMEO: There ain't no jobs in this god-damned town. HOOT: I thought you were a hot-shot actor? ROMEO: It don't pay. I do it to get out of chores. Tell me, what's the best job a man can have? HOOT: Well, being Sheriff's the best job in this town. ROMEO: Sure, and every day at noon be challenged by some gun slinger? It's stupid to be scared all your life. HOOT: Why should the Sheriff be scared? He always wins, doesn't he? As long as good triumphs over evil. there he'll be, a hero. Who don't want to be a hero? ROMEO: Jeff the street-cleaner don't want to be a hero? (They both look over at JEFF who's working. A man bursts out of the saloon, another steps out, aims and fires, hitting the man in the back, killing him. Three others come out of the saloon just as the shot is fired) MAN: Damn cheat! Nothing worse than a man who cheats at cards! (The SHERIFF appears from one side and the UNDER- TAKER appears from the other immdiately after the shot. The UNDERTAKER picks the body up and wheels it off. The SHERIFF stands in front of the man) MAN: He cheated at cards, Sheriff. (The SHERIFF pats the man on the back, puts his arm around him, and guides him into the saloon) SHERIFF: Buy me a drink. (SALLY and JIM step out of the saloon) SALLY: I don't want you going in and telling Molly, but I don't want to be in your play. It's silly and childish. and I can't remember my lines. JIM: You've just got to, Sally. You're the perfect Lady Montague. Molly told me I'd have all the girl's co-operation; now, I don't want to have to tell Molly that you refuse to help. SALLY: Let me be Juliet, then. JIM: It's too late; next year you can be Juliet. SALLY: There won't be any next year for this fiasco, once the town-folk see the pitiful thing. JIM: If it's going to be so horrible, how come you want to be the leading lady? SALLY: If I'm going to make a fool of myself in front of everybody I want to be the most important fool. (MOLLY comes out of the saloon with MARY, whose face is veiled) SALLY: Good morning, Molly. I'm getting inside right now, Ma'm. (She goes into the saloon) JIM: We were just going over some lines for the show. MOLLY: I know you wouldn't be touching any of my girls, sweetheart. If you did, the only piano playing you'd be doing'd be accompanying coal shovellers in hell. If that girl's coming onto you, tell me, now! JIM: Molly, dearest, you're too much gal for me as it watch the saloon. (JIM takes MARY'S hands) JIM: Goodbye Mary. MOLLY: Don't go touching her! Go wash your hands! JIM: Molly, there's no harm in telling her bye. (No reply, just a cold stare from MOLLY. JIM goes into the saloon, MOLLY and MARY start walking off) MOLLY: Don't go letting everybody touch you. (rhe INJUN, as a Mexican, passes them and tips his sombrero. He goes into the saloon. DAD is heard from off-stage) DAD: Where you been, boy? There's chores to do! (DAD walks up to ROMEO and grabs him by the neck and drags him off) DAD: If one of those whores has so much as winked at you, I'm going to burn the damn saloon down! And that fire'll be cold compared to your rear end! (Off-stage there is a swat and ROMEO'S scream. The saloon doors swing open and the INJUN, as a MEXICAN, is pushed out into the street. The four men stand above him laughing) MAN: Why don't you go bullfight a taco, Paco? INJUN: It would not provide enough meat to feed the impoverished . (The men, disgusted, go back into the saloon. The INJUN dusts himself off and walks off-stage. Two kids run out into the street and pretend they are having a showdown. They use their fingers and voice shots) FIRST KID: Un uh, you're dead! I'm Sheriff! SECOND KID: I'm Sheriff! You're dead! FIRST KID: You're dead! Bang! There! You're dead again! SECOND KID: Bang! You're dead! (The SHERIFF swings open the saloon doors. The kids look up at him in awe. One of the men in the saloon walks into the street away from the kids. The SHERIFF walks into the street and grabs both of the kids by the hair) SHERIFF: Next time I'll give you both real guns and you can settle your differences like men. (He lets them go, they run off. The man fron the saloon is readying himself for a showdown with the SHERIFF) MAN: I'm going to take you, Sheriff. (The SHERIFF paces back to place some distance between them. The man is perspiring, the SHERIFF is confident. They draw, the SHERIFF beats the man out. The man falls dead. The UNDERTAKER comes out, the SHERIFF, with a small pocket-knife, carves another notch in the railing in front of the saloon to go along with the hundred others. The PREACHER walks on stage with a Bible under his arm. He walks past HOOT. The SHERIFF goes back into the saloon) HOOT: Beautiful Sunday, Preacher. I trust your sermon went well. PREACHER: Yes, indeed it did, Hoot. HOOT: Hey, I've watched you for two years now go into that saloon directly after your Sunday sermon and come out an hour later looking worse for wear. You won't get sermon excrutiatingly long, yes, but it also makes it highly erotic. (The PREACHER continues walking, is stopped by JEFF, who, for the first time, has stopped working) JEFF: Preacher. PREACHER: Jeff. And how are you on this fine Sunday afternoon? JEFF: I'm working hard, sir. PREACHER: That's good, Jeff. But remember, it's also important to fear God and respect the Earth. JEFF: Well, I fear God and respect the Earth. PREACHER: You know, over there in California they're digging up chunks of gold as large as the Sheriff. Down there in Texas they're drilling a hundred miles into the bowels of the Earth and sucking up all her black blood. Back there ln the east they're chipping away at her coal cavaties. And each one of us drinks a gallon of her water each and every day, and pisses and shits behind her bushes. None of us respects the Earth! But go on believing you do. It's quite a burden to know just how responsible you are- I know exactly how many quarts of piss I've pissed, so when I'm called before my maker in the Last Judgment, I can tell him I'm sorry for each and every pint of it. JEFF: Gosh. With you living your beliefs like that, you could just about say I'm not God-fearing at all. (He works briskly) But I do my work. I believe in work. You can't say I don't work! (The PREACHER pats JEFF on the back and goes into the saloon. A COWBOY walks onto the boardwalk with a run out and line-up on the boardwalk and dance to piano music, then run back inside. JIM comes out with SAILY) SALLY: All you fellas out there, come on in! There's plenty more action inside! (Several soldiers from the crowd go inside) JIM: If the show goes over well, I'm going to take it to San Francisco. We'll be out of this one-dead-horse town. And Molly will have to stay here and run the saloon. It'll be you and me, Sally. SALLY: Besides having no fascination with San Francisco, I've no fascination for you, Jim. Of course, if I were to play Juliet, San Francisco might sound real exciting. JIM: O.k., you'll be Juliet. (She kisses him) JIM: I'm going to play Romeo myself then. (He tries to kiss her but she avoids him) SALLY: let's wait until we're out from under Molly. I (She goes inside) JIM: Hey, Jeff, you going to put down that broom next Saturday night and come see my show? JEFF: I'm not going to waste my time on a show that don't have leg-kicking and skirt-lifting. JIM: But there's going to be dancing girls. I've turned Romeo and Juliet into a musical. JEFF: Yeah? JIM: Sure, I have to, everyone in this town is illiterate. I have to give them spectacle. JEFF: Maybe you should put that on these posters. (He points to the poster on the wall) "Even illiterates will enjoy". I guess they wouldn't be able to read it anyways. Don't worry, if I've got nothing else doing, I'll come. VOICE: (from off-stage) The two-thirty train's arriving! (Everyone on the street runs off to the train station excitedly, leaving HOOT and JEFF) HOOT: Why don't you ever go see the train? (pause) I bet you're afraid that this place wouldn't be here when you came back. (JEFF moves away, head-down, and sweeps. The three man come out of the saloon. One sees the COWBOY, and starts laughing at him. The COWBOY stands, takes his gun out, and shoots the man. The others stand still with their arms raised. MOLLY returns, and JIM goes inside with her quickly) COWBOY: I don't like the way he looked at me. (The UNDERTAKER cones. The SHERIFF sticks his head out of the saloon, surveys the situation, then ducks back into the saloon. The UNDERTAKER takes the corpse away. The two men go back into the saloon The INJUN, as a Chinese, walks into the saloon. HOOT has fallen asleep in his chair. A covered wagon goes by which has tired, lean horses lead by a withered, thin man, with an ill woman at the reins. There is a skinny cow on a rope behind the wagon, and two starving kids peek out of the back of the wagon as it passes) JEFF: I think it's disgusting. HOOT: Huh, what? JEFF: That the Sheriff's in the saloon all day. HOOT: He never drinks too much. JEFF: That's not the point. He should be chasing criminals. HOOT: Most of the criminals in the state are in that saloon on any given night. He acts as a deterent. As long as he's around, everything's calm. JEFF: But, he never arrests anyone. HOOT: If a bad guy's in jail, he's safe. It's out in the street where he's liable to meet other criminals that he's in danger. Ha! They'll eventually kill each other off. (The INJUN, as a Chinese, is thrown out into the street, the two men stand above him laughing. HOOT sleeps) ONE MAN: If we let you get drunk, you'll put too much starch in our collars! INJUN: I do not work in a laundry. (The men, disgusted, return to the saloon. INJUN dusts himself off and walks off. The UNDERTAKER comes and starts to remove HOOT) HOOT: What's going on here! (He's dropped, not in horror, but because he's no longer of interest to the UNDERTAKER. HOOT realizes what has happened) HOOT: Hell, man, I'm not dead! (He crawls back up into his chair. HOOT speaks as the UNDERTAKER exits) HOOT: Do I look dead? You better get your eyes examined, hell, your whole head! You should check-in with a psychiatrist or something; the way you control your emotions is inhuman! I was only dreaming about dying, I wasn't dead! (The SHERIFF and PREACHER walk out of the saloon and off-stage together. ROMEO wanders on stage, picks up a pebble from the street, and throws it against JULIET'S window. She opens it) JULIET: I can't talk right now. (The COWBOY stretches and sets his hat next to himself on the bench. INJUN, as a Black, enters the saloon) ROMEO: I love you. I want to take you away. JULIET: I've got a customer up here right now. (One of the men appears briefly near the window, dressing. She talks to him) JULIET: Don't go. I'll get rid of him. ROMEO: Juliet. Juliet, I love you. JULIET: (To ROMEO) Cut that shit out! (She cries) Now see what you've done? He's gone! Molly's going to skin me alive! ROMEO: We'll go away together. (She picks up articles from her room and throws them down at him while swearing and crying) ROMEO: Go ahead and kill me, that's it, then when my Dad comes to kill me, it'll already be over and done with. (JIM comes out and tells ROMEO to leave with a mean stare. HOOT wakes up) HOOT: Hey, Jim, why're you putting together this show anyway? Why don't you just let the girls dance and kick up their dresses? JIM: But there's no character development. no plot, you need a story line to maintain interest. There has to be a single character that develops with which the audience can relate. HOOT: But a circus doesn't have a character that develops. It's one act after another. They don't have anything to do with each other. That's what I like, I like to be entertained. I don't want to have to think. (SALLY comes out of the saloon fanning herself) SAILY: It's hot in there! Don't waste your time talking to that useless old man. JIM: I like Hoot. SALLY: He's a leech. JIM: He doesn't hurt anyone. SALLY: He's a leech. He feeds off watching everyone else's misery. JIM: The man's got the right to sit there. SAILY: And I've got the right to call him a leech! Come on! (She pulls JIM inside. The INJUN, as a Black, is thrown out the door. He crashes into ROMEO and so doesn't go into the street. The two men emerge, laughing) MAN: Go eat some watermelon, boy! (INJUN, dazed, sits on the COWBOY'S hat. The COWBOY quickly pulls his gun out and shoots INJUN. The two men exit off-stage laughing) COWBOY: That was my new hat! (The UNDERTAKER comes immediately and takes the corpse away. The COWBOY straightens his hat and grabs his saddle and walks off. ROMEO also exits, kicking the dirt in the road. HOOT is asleep. The PROSPECTOR with the mule enters) JEFF: Any luck, prospector? PROS: I went into the Injun cave. JEFF: Yeah? PROS: Yeah. Nothing there, and I've only got two dollars left to my name. JEFF: I'd like to help you out, but I can't help everyone in the world. PROS: You sure cain't. Well, I'm beat. I'm dead to the world. I'm going to sleep tonight. Maybe I won't ever wake up. (The PROSPECTOR has now passed off-stage. JEFF continues sweeping. One of the men runs across the stage, the other chases, fires and hits the one in the back, who falls dead) MAN: Damned horse theif! (HOOT wakes groggily with the shot, then goes back to sleep. The UNDERTAKER and SHERIFF enter from arm around the man) SHERIFF: How about buying me a night cap? (The UNDERTAKER takes the body away. HOOT sleeps. JEFF sweeps. Piano music from the saloon). |